Please comment on my story?

I think you may have introduced too many characters at once. I got confused right off the bat and had to keep referring to the top with the names and descriptions... Which in all honestly was a bit of a pain. Try to introduce characters in a slower, more natural way so not to overwhelm your readers. Also do it more natural than just a list. Write who was sitting next to who and so on, not just a big clump of people.